Learning To Move Forward By Finally Looking Back Jenifer Montgomery TEDxCSUF

when was young my mother was diagnosed with leukemia remember not understanding the severity of the situation and thinking that she's going to get better my mother was patient kind and she always had smile on her face my mother led by example but she also knew which lessons had to learn alone after rare argument when was six years old remember told my mom that wanted to run away and without saying word she handed me black trash bag and let me pack my stuffed animals but as soon as walked out the door began to cry and when she let me back in saw that she was crying as well and never threatened to run away from her again it wasn't until the last few months when my mother would come home with far less hair and she could no longer climb the stairs to her room that understood that might lose my mom and then at 10 years old she passed away pew research in 2019 found that the us has the world's highest rate of children living in single-parent households it was an incredibly lonely experience as child but also for my father who put his grief on hold to pay off the debt that was left from the medical bills this period was one of the hardest periods in both of our lives and yet we both mostly went through it alone this is also one of the greatest learning periods in our lives we just didn't know it yet there are three lessons that learned from this period in my life the first lesson is that we need to shift the focus from moving on to healing you need to move on how many times have you heard this offered to you as helpful advice in either grief breakup or any other situation now ask yourself how many times did this phrase actually help not giving people the appropriate time that they need to heal is harmful and can cause people to stop seeking support from others or deny themselves time that they need to heal for years tried to do just that and simply move on thought that by smiling people would stop asking me how was doing thought that that would make me feel better the interesting thing is we don't treat physical pain this way we don't suggest to someone with an obvious physical ailment that they simply move on broken arm doesn't heal if you simply try to forget about it likewise broken heart doesn't heal by pretending it isn't broken such as with physical ailments there is no one-size-fits-all remedy we need to be open to the needs of those who are hurting some need to cry some people need to talk some people need to remember all of their favorite memories and perhaps some just need to process it alone but it doesn't stop there we with the broken heart must also be willing to seek help and be open and vulnerable to our needs we must put in the work for our own healing similar to my coping process my dad focused on his role as provider by taking on two full-time jobs for low socioeconomic families who just lost provider it may seem that you don't have the extra time or money to seek help but according to the widowed parents project they find that learning more about grief and how it works can help parent better cope with their loss professional therapy and counseling is costly but they're not the only options simply connecting with those in the family who are going through the same grief is completely free and cost effective way to seek help but this can be easier said than done especially for men in the household and that brings us to the second lesson we need to make it okay for men to care about their mental well-being my father was only 13 years old his father walked out on his family leaving behind seven children and single mother as the oldest child my dad took on the role providing for his family he worked while finishing high school to make sure that his family had food on the table and clothes on their backs later in life when confronted with his wife's death he sought to deal with it the only way he knew how he worked tirelessly to make sure that we had food on the table and that had clothes on my back from childhood my father learned that the tangible resources that he provided for his family were highly valued similarly many other men grow up learning that they need to provide for their family financially but not so much emotionally after their spouse's death many single fathers find themselves struggling with redefining what it means to be single father and how they can raise their children alone study conducted by the journal of gerontology found that widowhood appears to be more depressing experience for men than for women with one of the main factors being lack of social support found that my dad faces grief by himself also began internalizing these notions and the feelings that they had to be dealt with alone it wasn't until met my husband my high school sweetheart that was introduced to another option robert was really wise for his age don't get me wrong he was still dumb team boy who once chugged the two liter bottle of mountain dew just for laughs but he was also highly empathetic he took on the challenge of really listening to me and understanding me as he urged me to open up in the years to come he also took on the role of mediator between my dad and me he taught us both the value of being vulnerable transparent and being open to communication it wasn't an easy road and not every argument ended on happy note but the relationship that have now with my dad is something that never would have imagined years ago when grieving communicating your feelings might be the last thing you want to do you might not want to burden others or bring down their mood but openly discussing our feelings and our fears are essential to our own healing be kind with yourself and take care of your emotional and mental health things will never be exactly the same ever again but that's okay and that is the third lesson now as wife realized that my dad lost his partner the love of his life and his biggest confidant that's lonely experience dr maria chuy at the institute for clinical and evaluative sciences or ice explains that single fathers are less likely to have relationships and connections within in between social networks that would work to enhance their health productivity and well-being such as with the case of my dad although saw him many times express his loneliness he stopped going to family parties and get-togethers unless urge them to while bereaved fathers are in need of support from family and friends they also benefit from finding groups and organizations for single however as found through the research for this talk finding groups that listed facts statistics or were otherwise specifically for single fathers was like pulling teeth with most information coming from analogical blogs and articles this is not unique experience as the aforementioned ice notes that single men may face real or perceived barriers to seeking and receiving support men need better access to these spaces in order to address all the changes in their lives and acknowledge their roles as parents and how that has changed an article in time magazine in 2018 writes about how fathers may find themselves negatively comparing their actions to how their spouse used to do things these comparisons have turned toxic as fathers grapple with their fears that the wrong spouses died however one father interviewed in the article challenges this form of thinking by pointing out that's not being fair to you in an ideal world your child would have both parents and it's not your fault that they don't have that so here's my message to all fathers be kind to yourself stop comparing yourself to how your family used to function know that from child's perspective the best thing you can do is be present not perfect during the years that followed my dad began to be more open to talking about his frustrations his worries and the pains that he felt the changes that he made with himself influenced the relationships that we had my father learned that it's okay to not know what to do and can't thank my father enough for that can't thank him enough for being open to change together but on our own accord we ended up learning to move forward by finally looking back for the longest time wish that things would have ended differently but through these hardships i've grown to be someone that would make my mother proud our lives have not always been easy and we know the future won't be easy but echoing cs lewis hardships often prepare an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny and that is without doubt where we're heading