Family Fighting and Trauma Mufti Azeemuddin

Alhamdulillah, did session on marriage last night too between 1 and 1 and 3:30 as part of our candlelight conversation series and have never received this many questions. think we had mean the chat maxed out we had to archive everything and start it again and wouldn't be surprised to say we had around maybe 250 questions and it was you know from all the young young brothers and sisters or some married some of yeah many of them are married as well but most definitely marriage is just something that is such important topic it's relevant to all of us either we are married or our parents are married obviously our siblings are married someone's married someone's going trouble or someone does want to get married which is also problem. Okay. So there's and the point being is this is topic that needs to be addressed on regular basis for all of us and if alhamdulillah the home environment is good and if the marriage is good then inshallah you will see the effects of that everywhere outside and if the home environment is not healthy and happy you'll see the effects of that else everywhere as well. So this is why the full body workout or full body health whatever you want to call it is so intrinsically connected with what's happening in the home and bil has done such powerful job they didn't just attack country they didn't just create artificial borders within the Muslim lands they didn't just break down the what they have done is they have broke down every single home every single home from the basis from each unit is broken what is going to do what is unit what is country going to do if all your citizens are all broken. By creating divisions within mom and dad, between husband and wife, between parents and children from both from the humans and from jin, they have successfully for most cases made people inable incapable of doing anything that they need to do or incapable of doing what they know they should do by making them so worried and frustrated and upset, depressed with things at home. So when you have war going on at home, you don't have time to vote. When you have war going on at home, you don't have time to donate towards cause overseas. When you have war going on at home, you don't have time to do anything because you are so perplexed and overwhelmed by the fighting and the arguing with people in the house that the ummah's problems seem completely distant and far away for you. Isn't this the case that person he's like brother don't have time to listen to this as brother 100 thou this many people died in an earthquake this might be know should feel bad should feel empathetic but can't because my son ran away from the home my daughter just took some guy went with some guy out and we haven't heard from her in 2 days my wife is is mistreating me like this my husband is mistreating me like this when you have things like this going on at home want you to realize this is intentional as the house goes on fire. You are not capable. Even though you are very wealthy or very religious or very eloquent or very concerned about the affairs of the you are organizer, you are community leader. You can't do any of those things because of this massive issue at home. That is why this needs to has to be our number one priority that need to take care of my home and have to make sure is 5 days away 6 days away whatever end of the week have to make sure that am going to beg Allah subhanana wa ta'ala to rectify my affairs and change me. Yesterday was in one program where we had revert brother with me and he shared his story and want to quickly share to you is the the power of dua. He mentioned that he got accused of crime that he didn't do and he went into he went to got arrested went to court and it happened to be in Ramadan. So he performed all his salah. He was he said he acknowledged the fact that he was not the best of young men bad company disrespect to mom and dad all things of that sort but the crime that he was being accused of he said didn't do so he said prayed made lots and lots of dua odd nights everything the case did not go as the way he wanted the charges were not dropped and he was handed down sentence for lifetime Subhan Allah. mean, know this is question. If were to approach this topic, we'll have 100 questions right now. Is does Allah still love me? made dua for the past 2 years. made duas at the beginning of Ramadan. still haven't gotten this. How do how do know? Like, I'm getting depressed. 3 days ago, brother told me, give me advice. need to speak to someone who is who is having faith who is having doubts in their faith. said, what's the issue? Well, he's been making dua and things haven't changed in the past few years. So, he thinks God doesn't exist. This happened to me the day before yesterday. So, give me some advice. So, there are so many people like this. When the dua doesn't accept it, they say, "I'm done." This brother, he gets handed down full lifetime sentence while he's making dua in Ramadan in the nights. But he he said, "What an amazing perspective." Look at guys, brothers, sisters, you can't change the world, right? But you can change your perspective. Change your perspective. He said, have been such bad son to my dad and mom and dad. guess this is my punishment. Yes, didn't do this crime, but Allahel is teaching me lesson that you hurt your parents." And let me just take it for that. He said he you get sent into prison 10 years. mean, at the after the talk, didn't realize it was 10 years. After the talk, he said, "Yeah, spent 10 years incarcerated." It's like, "Wow." And he said, "Ramadan of 2023." Ramadan of 2023, which is after like his ninth or 10th year. he said, "I'm in in small cell. The cell is so small that if extend my hands out, it touches the walls. The bed is so narrow that if one arm of mine touches the wall, the other arm is hanging, dangling over the bed. That's how small the bed is." And he says the light is coming through the gate the prison the jail gate the cell gate and you can see the light you know reflecting inside the inside the cell he said I'm looking at this and it just dawned on me this is my this is word he said this is my cave this is my it's been 9 10 years don't think I'm getting out lifetime sentence already did 10 it's not working so let me stop focusing something about the have I'm agree have made myself agreeable to Allah's and destiny that I'm meant to spend the entire life in prison it's okay Allah will what can do about that now let's make sure that the future life is not like this so he said dedicated that Ramadan to making dua only for the only for the and he said ya Allah think this is not working out let me just focus on please forgive me and just as long and he said in that Ramadan in that prison cell the sweetness of iman he said it was almost uncontrollable it's almost unbearable he said started beginning to think when you hear about the people of Jenna how will they have this extreme form of ecstasy and happiness of being close to Allah not not not just the blessings of Jenna and the and the food knowing Allah's pleasure is the greatest thing the sweetness of im that you hear the have he said started getting taste of that it's overwhelming ingly powerful that no lustful desire of this dunya being fulfilled can give you state of ecstasy. The way you receive when you fall in love with Allah and Allah allows you to feel his love. He said that's how he spent that month unparalleled. He said one month after Ramadan, he got phone call from his relatives that his case has been overturn overturned and the sentence has been removed and he is good to go good to go free. And he said, "Subhan Allah, knew that the chance of this in messed up legal system that we have and what ch what percentage of people their verdicts get overturned and they're let go free, subhan Allah, is very very minuscule amount. And for that to happen he said knew that this is Allah subhana has decided for me something great and that my freedom just like my imprisonment was test my freedom is has to be also test that in this freedom Allah wants to see what will do when I'm out and am going to waste my time just enjoying life that I'm out or am going to do something great alhamdulillah he's dedicated his work to you know Muslim life in prison and trying to help the 300,000 plus or minus incarcerated Muslims trying to be able to, you know, practice their dean. So speaking to Muslim convicts, subhan Allah, is majority of them are reverts. Vast majority of them are reverts. And mentioned it to him too. said my interaction with Muslim convicts or or or or ex-convicts or prisoners is limited. But what comes to my mind why there is such huge rate of Muslims in prison, it's not because Muslims are being arrested left and right for some crimes etc. Right? It's more so that they are alhamdulah accepting Islam in prison. The reason they're able to do that is because they have solitude. And when you have when you when you don't have your phone with you and you don't have your distractions and you start focusing, you start meditating, you start building your relationship with with with creator, Allah subh guide you. And if we were to bring that same level of focus and solitude in our lives outside of the prison, we'd all would change too. The reason we are where we are today is because we have allowed ourselves to continue continuously be distracted by everything by family, by our social media, by our phones, by work. And even in the month of Ramadan, so many people say, "We don't feel it. We're not feeling it. just feel so guilty. It's 3 days, 4 days left. haven't cried once. haven't said one proper 40-m minute, 30 minute dua. can't say I've even prayed four of super focused on what on what the Quran is saying. I'm just not feeling it. And the reason we not feeling it, Allah has not given us two hearts. When my mind I'm speaking about myself right here, all of us, our minds are focused in so many different directions. It's so hard for us to attain anything. So when we see the discord in our family, want us to realize that this all intentional. The idea is to keep you fighting at home. Why do why do these countries that were together once and now you had an arbitrary line created between them across the globe? Why is their biggest budget so-called defense budget from the from the brother next door? The guy looks like you, talks like you, acts like you, he's got the same skin color, he eats the same food, and you're spending 60 50% of your budget trying to fight him. Come on, man. Wake up. What do you What is this? You're the same in many instances family. Many instances, many many many many instances, one brother on this side, one brother side. How? What is the point? The point is to make you sit there and fight with one another so you don't look at the big picture. And it's not like one or two have fallen into it. Billions unfortunately have fallen into this this issue. So same thing with the family drama is we have to put our foot down and say that's it. Ya Allah Allah make Toba from family drama. You cannot make Toba and end everyone else's family drama. But what you can do is to say, will not become means of any family drama. will not become catalyst for family drama. will not add, you know, and masala and spices to the family drama. I'm not going to add fuel to the fire of the family drama. And how do you go about doing that? For one thing is controlling our tongue. that if we control our tongue, this is all problems and difficulties are connected with speech. If you believe in Allah in the day of judgment, say something good or zip it up. What is going to be the main reason why people will be dragged headlong into hellfire? to him the the the effects of their tongue. Effects of their tongue. My dear mother, my dear sister, my dear brother, my dear father, husband, we do not understand is the potency and the extreme strong powerful influence that the tongue has. One word of solace and comfort. Have you not gone to someone to see who is depressed and sad his son passed away or is going through divorce or his mother is very ill and you go you don't you're sitting yeah you sit with him you meet him in the masjid or at home 3 minutes 2 minutes you share him with some few words and that he's crying sobbing and now subhan Allah he stops he's looking down now he looks up he's got the stone face now he's able to crack smile what happened that is the power of powerful good words. That's why sallallahu alaihi wasallam even called it do then most definitely do not look down upon the power of good kind word. was saying the other day when there was an organization fundraising said please stop by all of you at booth and participate at any level. Give it's odd night. Give $1, $100, anything. And if you can't do that, then at the very least go greet them, thank them for the work they're doing. Say few kind words. And that is also and that is actually very powerful. When people hear kind words, it gives them encouragement to do much more. So just like good kind words has powerful effect. The opposite is also very true. that one statement said at the wrong time in the wrong place can completely destroy the whole environment. This is exactly what happens. This is exactly what happens when we deal with marital issues or issues between husband, mom and dad. It's always most of the time she said this and he said this not too there are cases where he threw this at me and she threw it at me etc. Okay. But before you get to through throwing things where does it start from? all the time it starts off with one statement and that just blows the fuse. That's it. So we have to master the art of biting down on our tongue no matter how much we want to speak up and say for the sake of Allah am going to seal it and this is what Abu Bakr the one if you go to Medina your Medina is not complete without saying to the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam and saying to Abu and of course and he is putting pebble in his mouth. pebble in your mouth to make sure that if want to speak it should be only when it is super necessary and have to remove the pebble possibly and inconvenience myself to be able to open up and speak. Hence, I'm not going to keep on doing it. I'm going to only speak when it's necessary and I'm definitely going to think before speak. This is an example of putting like lock on your phone. say my text message or WhatsApp have to type in like long password or you know for something and in creating making it making it not super easy to just go message people and you have and you're making limit you remember the days where you had to pay for text messages remember was in South Africa in Pakistan studying in the '90s man used to think so much how can save money you madrasa student you don't have you have small budget right your dad gives you money for the whole year. don't want to keep on wasting on buying phone cards and you know scratching it, typing it in and get the what do you guys used to call that? charging up your credit your your your data. So it used to be there's no who's got time for that in the heart brother. It's like straight to the point, right? Or the collect call used to come mama, you got to get picked up, hung up, right? So that's what it is. When person begins to think that I'm going to get charged for every single word say, have to think twice before speak. Not twice, 10 times. Alhamdulillah, this will get rid of the 50% of our problems. This is this is my ask today. You want to end family drama? and the yanni free range and free usage of our tongue. Clamp down on it. Clamp down on it. And the one who has tawa who has the fear of Allah, who has the realization he's going to be facing Allah on the day of judgment, he'll be able to do it. If we can't do that in the last week of Ramadan after fasting for 25 26 days and doing so much, honestly, what other what other time of the year are we planning to do this? So, we have to say, "No, that's it. Inshallah, make firm resolve that will be controlling my tongue to the best of my ability. And when slip and fall and misuse it, I'm going to punish myself. don't need someone else to come say you spoke out of line. don't need to be told that, you know what, that was very hurtful. myself inshallah will realize it and will do something that hurts me more. my naps, give $100, make sure perform 10 raq or go do something unbelievably nice that you don't like to do for that person that you just said that to for your son, for your daughter, for your parent. This, my beloved brothers and sisters, is going to be powerful way to you could say stop adding fuel to the fire. Okay, once you stop adding fuel to the fire, what's going to happen? They got to deal with the fire. you can deal with it. But if you keep on adding fuel, you can't deal with it. That's the way when you do when the when we do these counseling sessions, it sometimes doesn't go anywhere because in during the counseling session, they're going at each other there. say in front of third person, you are going at each other's throats. Imagine what you all do at home. That's why someone has to say that's it. I'm going to take the higher road in this relationship and am going to be that person inshallah. know you're going to say no. it's so hard for me to do it. Do it for the do it for yourself. Do it for your and you will see Allah subhanana wa ta'ala will make things change. My beloved friends, one gift would like all of us to give to our children, those of all of us, many majority here seems to be married individuals and those and young men and young women in their 20s, 30s, 18 or teenagers who are listening who are not married yet. Well, obviously if you're in the 30s and not married, we need to work on that. Late 20s, not married, we need to work on that. even 20s and not even late but that's you know the idea is want us to give an Eid gift inshallah the Eid gift to your kids if we have children the best Eid gift is not trip overseas not trip to Florida not trip to some island not trip to anything else what our children our especially our young ones they want to see the biggest gift for them is loving mom and dad not loving towards them that's separate loving amongst themselves. husband and wife that get along, that is the greatest gift you can give to any child. And Allah knows what trauma child goes when he sees his parents not on the same page. No amount of hugs and kisses, no amounts of you, you know what, your dad said this, guess what? I'm going to take you out. We're going to go have fun in the mall. Your mom said that. Guess what? I'm going to take you to Orlando. We're going to have fun over there. Honestly, you can try all you want. He'll smile. He'll laugh. But inside there's nothing more he wants, nothing more she wants than you stop fighting with your spouse. And that's what they quietly sob at night when after you give him hug and kiss, go to sleep or tuck him in. Once you leave, then the tears start on the pillow. The pillow is wet. Thinking I'm telling you, swear by Allah, this is how it is. Subhan Allah. And they don't have counselors. They don't have therapists. Didn't say this last week during babysitting? One babysitter told me during that the six seven year olds are telling her things that she's just horrified. All the trauma that they're seeing at home, they're going through. It's lived trauma. It's developing. At the age of 6, 17 when you wonder why they're so obnoxious, so angry, want to run away or have run away. It it started off when they're five. At the age of 27, you want to see why their marriage has fallen apart or why they don't want to get married or why they're doing the horrific type of sins even though you gave them the best tab. It started at the age of five, 20 years ago. So when you see young children being, you know, being sent to the most beautiful, most expensive, most well suited Islamic schools, Montessary schools, and they've got all sorts of one-on-one tutors for basketball tutors to coaches to math to swimming to everything else. two, three, four, $5,000 just on fees for for various fees for the child, but we have fighting taking place at home. You are truly destroying that child's future. It cannot the damage he's going through. You're he's not in he's not in Sudan, but that's what you're doing. You're acting like you're in Gaza in Sudan when you don't need to do that. You're living in Oak. All right? You're you're living in beautiful mansion. Well, why are you making your son and daughter grow up as though they are subhan Allah refugee living in tent? That's how damaged they are becoming. I've had young 11, 13, 12 year old boys come and would never expect that. Just break down in front of me crying. And I'm like, what's going on? And they talk about they're like, well, you know, became hid. don't want to become didn't know to do all this stuff. What's the point of being hobbies? What's the point of doing all this stuff when have to witness how much my mom and dad argued and fought with each other? And and this is like such innocent kid crying in front of me, shaking, his body shaking of how much he's crying. And he's like, "No child ever should have to witness this. No child should ever have to go through this. Yeah, they live in million- dollar home. So what?" He doesn't care. He's live in an apartment. don't need to have all this stuff. But what don't want is to see you all going at each other's throats. So all those mothers and fathers who are trying to think of best Eid gift for their kids, want you to realize nothing is more powerful than this. And your son or daughter may smile at you and give you hug for Eid, but deep down they are extremely hurt. Even though you might be oppressed in the relationship according to you or you might be you know the one who is be having to deal lot. Whatever it is, do it for the sake of Allah. do it for the sake of the emotional, mental, spiritual health of your kids. cannot tell you it's it's like just fire upon fire in all of our homes. Every major issue deal with with any youngster sitting here in all these kids were to come and talk to me about their problems, would could say 9.5 out of 10 times trace it back to toxic environment at home. But like it's not the issue of the kids, issue of their mom and dad. Any you say 9.5 times out of 9.5 out of 10 times it's going to be linked to toxic environment at home. see parents are they love their children. know they say by love my kids more than you do. Okay. But what in the process of that what you are doing you don't realize how much harm you're putting your children through because of this drama. So for Allah's sake, you're fighting with your husband over your kids. You're fighting with your wife over your children's. No one is doing and harm to your kids more than you right now by screaming, by throwing stuff, by attacking, by disrespecting your spouse in front of your kids. You want to fight it out? Wait till the kids go to school. Make their lunch together. Walk them out to the school. Leave them to the car yourself together. Give them together hugs and kisses. Fake hel with each other as you send off your children to school. Do whatever you need to do. But in front of the children, my friends, my mom and dad, my dear husband and wife, keep united face. And this is exactly what Shaitan is telling these kids. I'm telling you, I'm dealing with this. Young 13, nine, 10 year olds say don't want to be Muslim anymore. My mom and dad both go forawi. My mother wears jb. She wears scarf. This that my dad grows out beard and he donates. He does all that. But what's the point after practicing the deen? This is like this. don't want to be Muslim if this is what Islam is. remember one 15year-old came to me. He didn't come to me. He was in enrolled in program. Look at this story. He was enrolled in program that was teaching and 3 days later he he decided to deenroll and leave and he was coming from about 50 minutes to attend the program. He didn't have he would have license he was young young man. So his sibling would bring him and he would sit right in front and he had his notebook open and everything would say not only he would write anything in Arabic he would say can you give me the transliteration or can you write it on the board so can write it. so much talib and desire when heard he was deenrolling reached out to him as he was leaving the classroom the the environment of the masid intercepted him say how are you how's everything didn't say are you leaving said how's everything what's going on he's like actually not so much not you know things are not going so well said everything okay no need to talk to you alhamdulillah see this is what how you resolve issues you don't actually let the person know you're here to come resolve issue you have to show up at the right time at the right place and intercept them right and let it be organic. So made it organic. He came and to my office and he said things are not going well. I'm going to leave the school for the for summer program. said why do you want to leave? Because actually lost interest. Now you can't you can't buy things like this, right? When you're when when young man or woman or someone say lost interest all of sudden when you're right in front taking notes, you know it can't come out. How can you lose interest? said don't buy that. No, that's what it is. don't buy that. Okay. Do you really want to know? Do you do you really want to know what what what you call the reason is? said, "Yeah, what what is that reason that you're saying this?" I'm not Muslim anymore. 15-year-old. I'm not Muslim anymore. Right. So calmly asked him, "So what are you?" He said, "Well, I'm an agnostic." said, "Since when?" He said, "Since last night." Wow. Since last night he became an agnostic. No longer said, but he said, "I'm not arrogant enough to say I'm an atheist. I'm an agnostic. don't know why if God exists or not, but won't say he definitely doesn't. Atheist says he doesn't. Agnostic says don't know. So took out sheet of paper. said, "Okay, let's talk about it. What's the issues? Let's pour it out. Come on, let's go. And what are the objections you have against Islam?" And asked Allah for help. And under the desk, wrote texted few brothers. said, "I'm sitting with someone who wants who has left Islam right now. And he says he's going to ask me questions. kindly please start doing some vikar right now that Allah subhanaa tala inspires me with the right answers to handle this so you have to do both you have to have your spiritual dimensions working full full gear and then you have to have the external material dimensions also working so he he gave me his objections alhamdulillah and it wasn't too big man he watched YouTube debate of an atheist in the night after dinner in his in his room pulled out his phone on YouTube watch the debate. How old is he? 15. At the end of that debate, one hour he decided that he cannot he could no longer be Muslim. That's all it took. The meaning that where sallallahu alaihi wasallam said time will come person will wake up as believer and go to bed as disbeliever. Go to bed as believer go wake up as disbeliever. That you mean enter your bedroom as Muslim in the morning you wake up for as kafir go to work go to school fasting and subhan Allah by evening break or fast through some haram because you're no longer Muslim you got it so this is what we're speaking about the idea is that era that of sallallahu alaihi wasallam the prophesi is already present and what you're witnessing is this. So alhamdulillah answered his questions. They were not hard by Allah's will. They were not hard. He was able to understand it through the barak of Allah's he understood answers and he looked at me in 10 minutes and he said I'm ready to take the shahada. Alhamdulillah. Allah Allah guided him back. Now next question. told him this could understand this was the issue but this was the tipping point. This is not the real issue. Give me the real issue. Why you want to leave Islam? Not because this one hour. This became the tipping point. What's the real issue? No, that's not. said, "Nope, it's got to be there's got to be something more." So that's when he broke down crying and he cried so much had to give him box of Kleenex and he started wiping his tears. Right. said, "Okay, alhamdulillah. Now we cracked him." And what did he talk about? He talked about family drama. So my dad, my mom, they're practicing Muslims. The community thinks of them to be very good. They're very involved in the masid. They're involved in Sunday school. They're involved at the board level. They're involved in, you know, not only praying, but involved in masid. But they're so horrible at home. They swear. They use the worst type of, you know, swear words at at each other and at us and everybody else. They cheat in business, right? And there's so much family drama. And we fight with one another. Siblings fight with one another. We had to call the police on each other, right? Siblings. And I'm just, if this what Islam is, which obviously this not Islam. Who said this is Islam? But I'd rather not be Muslim than be Muslim because how could you be so involved in Islam and yet be so horrible at home leading dual life? This is your normal young man story today. Normal young girl story is what just told you right now. here is that the drama at home is what is pushing them away and you wonder beta why are you not being good beta why you not being good son why why don't you why are you not interested coming to the program they are sick and tired of all of this and does your wrong mom and dad does your wrong legitimize his wrong no you think that's going to hold up in the court of law on the day of judgment left Islam because my mom and dad fought no I'm sorry it's not none none of that stuff is going to hold up your mom and dad if they did all that drama They're going to face their own consequences. But you, you're going to face your own consequences. You cannot blame somebody else for your own sins. No matter who you had friends with, you no matter what the trauma is, I'm telling you clearly. No matter what trauma, this doesn't work like this. If you have if someone who goes kills his wife and his three four kids, which is happening, wife killing just read story. Wife killed three kids. mother killed three kids like two days ago somewhere. And it says there's voice telling me voice telling me to do this. That's not going to be accepted in the court of law on the day of judgment. Some voice said to you that was shaitan, that was your demons, that was the evil effect of your sins, whatever it is. But each person is responsible for his own actions. So we are going to try to work through and help you overcome this trauma in the dunya. But don't want any time to think that I'm off the hook because it's not my fault, it's somebody else's fault. Yes, there are nuances that only Allah knows, intentions that only Allah knows. I'm not playing God over here. just want to people to think and recognize that am responsible for my own actions and cannot constantly be blaming other environmental factors or my parents or my siblings or my ex for my doing things that know are haram or not allowed. So this is you could say two sides of one coin, right? You have to understand both things. Take responsibility. We're going to work with the people causing stress to you, but at the same time do not think you're off the hook. You are responsible for your own actions. So this is basically the importance of how all of us inshallah need to focus on the the at home is secondary. First thing is what? And the drama. spoke spoke for mom and dad for kids and the and I'm going to get into questions now. Inshallah the other side of this is the best gift you can give to your mom and dad is not again take them out for fancy dinner somewhere huge fancy Eid dinner or pay for their omrah or something else. The best gift that mom and dad you can give them is united group of siblings. That when brothers and sisters do not fight and are loving and caring towards one another, most definitely there's nothing more that mom and dad would like to see than this. All the things material things are secondary. What they want to see is alhamdulillah my children are on the same page. They have they do not allow their their own spouses to get in between them. Yeah. My sons and daughters do not allow their own spouses to get in between them. One one brother said his wife told her own brother his wife told her brother that you have disrespected my husband so badly that that's it. I'm never going to come to your house again. I'm not going to come to my brother's house because you really disrespected my husband. So the brother was saying subhan Allah appreciate the love you have. This is what wife should do. She should love her husband so much but and should do meaning she should be available to tell her husband that listen what would you like to do in this situation because Mike you are my husband you're my daughter to Jenna. What do how do proceed? But this is how the husband's supposed to respond. The husband says would never become means of breaking relationship with your siblings. This is absolutely unacceptable. Whatever he said to me or done with me that's different story. That's two men dealing with our own problems. But cannot allow you to break your relationship with your own sister, with your own brother with with this reason. appreciate your commitment to this marriage and commitment to me, but also do not want to become means of breaking relationship between siblings. Mashallah. Alhamdulillah. That's how it should be. think these these two did an amazing job of how she spoke to her husband and how he spoke to her. That's role model for lot of our problems that each one needs to be the perfect person in that relationship. So best gift to our mom and dad this is what united front amongst the kids to say mom dad relax. We are on the same page. We love one another for the sake of Allah subhanaa tala. We have our own arguments and things of that sort. But we'll never let these arguments get out of hand to the extent that we stop talking to each other that we stop visiting one another and that we allow our own spouses to come in between us. They say the relationship between siblings is actually the longest one. We should have one on sibling huddle. Now what do you say honestly big problem because look at husband and wife they get married and they can get divorced. Anytime it's happening too often third more than third getting divorced. Mom and dad she gave birth to you. Mom dad became means of your coming to existence. But after 30 40 50 60 70 years time will come more than likely when mom and dad are are gone and children are still there. The longest lasting relationship is that of siblings. That the siblings both may live up to 80, both may live up to 90, both may live up to 70. You understand that? So this relationship is the longest longlasting one. And you cannot divorce your sibling. It's not possible to divorce them. Think about that. Or maybe we never gave much thought to this. So if we have siblings, this is relationship that we really in this day and age see is also being broken. And we find ourselves to be so much closer to friends than siblings. pray allahel brings harmony into all of our homes. Allows the mom and dad to give the gift this year to their children the the gift they need and the gift they want. Say mean and allow the children to give the gift that their parents want which also united inshallah mahaba within themselves. All right. So now we'll go to the questions. Right. would love to all of you to ask questions are relevant to yourself. Your spouse more than likely is not sitting here. Your son and daughter is more than like not likely sitting here. So if you want to give message, want my son to hear it. He's not going to hear it. He's not here. Your husband's not here. He's not going to hear it. Maybe some couples are here. Few maybe. What we need to do is how do be detailed? This is my situation. What is my role? What do do? Right? And what can do to help change my significant other, my ch son, daughter? That's it. But if if the idea is he needs to hear this speech, she needs to hear the speech, that's problem. The problem needs to be am am responsible for how deal with this problem. Let me first fix myself and then inshallah we'll work on the rest of the people. Let me control my tongue. Let me do this this whatever need to do. So let's the request you to make the question any detailed where you actually say okay want to take home don't want any of you to walk away thinking that was nice generic beautiful thing. knew was supposed to control my tongue. can't. Well good luck for me right? No right want to make let's fill up the gaps here. Can you move forward for all of you brothers? Please move forward here that let's try to be as as as detail oriented when you're asking question and ask something that we that will be relevant to us inshallah. Okay. How can we avoid going back to old habits after feeling motivated from these talks? That's beautiful question. How about whatever you're feeling motivated for, you write it down now before you stand up and leave. Write it down. What do you feel motivated to do? Write that down. And why do you feel motivated to do that? What thing did you hear in this talk that said, "You know what? got to do it." Was it story? Was it hadith? Was it statement? Was it reflection? Write that down. mean, you don't have to say the whole story. The story of the man in the jail. You know what mean? In the prison, whatever it is, make some make little point that will make you remember what motivated you to feel like this. Write that down. What are you motivated to change within yourselves and why you got motivated because of that. Number two, then when that list you have, inshallah, every day whenever you're making dua, keep that list in mind. Refresh it. Refresh it and make dua that ya Allah allows you to keep away from those things. Will you 100% guaranteed be able to stay away from those old habits all the time? No. But at least you recognize what your bad habit is. That's huge. That's huge. So when you fall into it, immediately the next salah or the next hour, you repent and make Toba for it. That's that's good that is think success for you that you have it written out written why you're motivated for it and start making dua for it. Okay. Some of it is not just dua. Some of it we need intervention therapy for it. We need to reach out for to an older brother or sister for help. Go ahead acknowledge that that am like this for the past 50 60 years. don't know. mean I'm making toba today but you know as they say you know I'm forced by habit to be like this. Can habits change? Yes or no? They can. The greatest habit is kufur and they're 70 year old accepting Islam. How can someone accept Islam at the age of 70 and you're saying my habit can't change? It can change. That's what therapy, successful therapist does. He's not using his hands to do anything besides physical therapist. Right? The marriage therapist or any other therapist is going into your brain in your mind and is re you know re making you rethink how you interact with certain scenarios and basically is reshuffleling your your your your mental energy and the way you process things in your life. And successful therapist in 10 sessions or successful therapy in 10 sessions. Alhamdulillah changes the way you think. So it can it can be resolved. have found that have dull dead presence at home and with my family. But as soon as leave, feel light and happy with others. Alhamdulillah. The fact that you the fact that you're acknowledging this is huge, right? It's very good. Is this real? Yes, it is real. How is there something can do about it? You have to do something about it. It shouldn't be like this. We should feel the most excited when we enter home. Yeah, that's base. That's home base. Why Why should we not be excited when we're with your mom and dad with kids and spouse? Maybe there's something that is upsetting. You need to sit down and do some mahas saba meditation. Talk it out. What thing is what stress do you have at home that as soon as you enter you feel very heavy after 5 10 minutes you can't think of anything then this is from shaitan that shaitan wants you to become means of toxicity within your home and create ruin the no one likes party pooper you come home and every you're dull no one's going to enjoy your company you're not enjoying theirs and everything even the eid party even ifar is Now God, why can't you just go eat in the masid? You know, that's not how it's supposed to be like we should be all excited to see each other. So would suggest you start working on spiritual treatments and we'll do that at the end. That's what spiritual treatments we already mentioned them. But just focus on spiritually treating yourself and inshallah that should hopefully get removed. My brother 24 loved Islam. After panic attack in the masjid has gone down spiral of doubt and steering away from Islam. Debates lot how to help. If he had panic attack in the masjid and he never had panic attack before or he has had panic attacks before as well and he's doubting Islam because of that. Do you not see something here? Think about it. It's so obvious that panic attack is also connected with the same thing that's creating doubts within him. All right. It's shaitan that subhan Allah utilized some external means to create that attack panic attack and then now is using that as foundation for him to leave Islam. see this all the time. Some experience happens. brother isn't brother reached out to me. He said, "I'm volunteering in masjid." And one person, he didn't listen to my directions. And he ignored me and he looked the other way. And got so upset that said, "That I'm not coming to I'm not I'm leaving volunteering, not coming to masjid." said, "How many times has this happened?" He said, "It happened to me in in that same spot with that same person." in not same spot, different spots of the masjid, he's been volunteering. He said it has happened to me in the past few years six times with that same individual and am like okay what are the coincidence of this happening with the same individual in this who who is not from the area you're not from the area you're just volunteering in Ramadan that person just comes once in while in Ramadan what are the chances of this happening six times with the same person don't you think he's been god sent via shaitan he's you know shaitan is used is being shaitan is using him and Allah is sending shaitan to test you. Why are you failing this test? Why are you how does it help your by throwing the towel and say I'm not going to volunteer anymore in the masjid because someone spoke to me harshly. What he did was right. Absolutely not. He's got shaitan in himself to you know I'll speak to him. But what about you? I'm I'm shocked. Why would you give up on this? You understand? So the point is we need to learn how to connect these dots. you know, we need to learn how to connect these dots. So, would suggest most definitely focus on spiritual or Quranic for this brother. Okay. lot of repet repeat questions. How do you handle persistent problems between spouses? Having unreasonable expectations, getting upset at you regardless. Okay. adult my husband. Okay. So most of these things I'm going to give you I'm going to read. should read all of them first and then answer them? How do deal with this? Because wish the if there admin here, is the admin over here? If the admin is over here, kindly please archive the questions as we go through it or if you're listening from somewhere online. So persistent problems between spouses. There's two there's only two ways that can think of to deal with issues at home. One is therapy. And therapy could just simply mean an older person, experienced person in the community, an experienced parent, an experienced grandparent, someone who loves you, who cares about your your family being intact and has got experience. You do not someone you do not want someone who loves you only and does not love your home. Toba, toba, run away from them. And sometimes it is these very own so-called close friend who ruins the whole thing. Wall I'm saying this to you. Sometimes it's the so so-called close friend who does you more harm than anybody else. Man, love you brother. You don't need to deal this. You don't need to go through and deal deal like this with your wife for what? There's ton, you know, 20 other women are waiting to get married. My friend, I'm in like 55 right now. got four kids. Yeah. You think there's bunch of other guys want to? yeah. All over. All right. Who? We'll figure out then. right now. Just divorce her. You don't need to handle this. And now you divorce her. And now, Allah forbid, what is the man doing? He's going visiting escorts. Where are you now? Where's your Where's your good old friend who had 20 20 women wanting to get married to this guy? Well, he's sitting there doing bad in the mid while you're sitting there in club. Stay far away from friends who give you advice like this. Anyone who tells you, just walk out. Walk out." And tell you, the same for the girls. Anyone who says, subhan Allah, there's so many other great men out there or you don't need to get married in the first place. Just walk out." That's that is any you have to remind yourself that this person got to stay away from. Now you're going to say, "But she's my best friend and he's my best friend." That's where I'm saying like that brother who came to the masjid in the form of shaitan came in the form of that person to mess him around, mess with him as volunteer. That friend of yours, he's good person, but he's being played and she's being played by Shaitan, by the will of Allah to say things to you that will harm you. They don't want to harm you intentionally. I'm not saying that. There are some people like that as well. But these people may not want to intentionally harm you, but the advice they're giving if you practice on it is horrible. So when someone says, "How often do you say get divorced?" Myself, rarely, rarely, rarely, rarely. Right? because feel like the issue the the way people are addressing marital problems or any other problem like when do wait to kick my daughter out of the house get this dads always ask me what line does she cross to say you're out of the house and say that you never cross that line but she did this and she did that she did don't care what she did you can't push her out of the house what about the son don't push him out of the house because you're pushing him out of the house you're pushing him right right? Not tomorrow. You're putting right now you're putting him into hell. I'm not talking about the I'm worried about the when you get push him out there's no chance or very little chance of his rectification. But he's done so much. Watch when he goes out he's going to even do more and the ability for him to make Toba is going to be very very very very difficult. You can move out of the house and say can't handle it. go go get hotel. Your dad as dad as mom say you stay here. We're going to go stay somewhere else because we don't have the capacity to handle this. We'll come see you for few hours, but you know, stay stay here. And now you're going to say that's hard. It's very hard. But know you love your son and daughter immensely. And know on the day of judgment, you will never want to be able to see them in hell. Sallallahu alaihi wasallam. You know the famous story where he told young man who was dying. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam told him to come say salam. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam said and say that all right. What did the prophet say? Say say the kala. And the man what did he was not able to he was not able to say the kala. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam asked him so many times to say the kala. He refused. He just couldn't. He just could not say it. Not like he said don't want to. He just couldn't. The prophet wasallam asked does he have mother alive? And they said yes. He said, "Go call the mother." While they went to go call the mother, the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam ordered some firewood to be brought and fire fire to be started. As that work was doing, she came and the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam then said, "Has he done something wrong?" said, "Yes, he's hurt me. He's upset me." The prophet then orders the companions to throw him into this fire. Act as though you're picking up, throwing him in. She started, you know, screaming like, "No, no." And then he said if you don't forgive him and he doesn't say the fire he's going to face in the day of judgment is going to be something far far greater. This is gist of the story. Okay, I'm not saying the exact don't have all the details there meaning I'm adding more details to it as the wording is not like this. But the idea is when she heard this immediately she forgave him and he was able to say the khaliba and passed away. So mom and dad when they get upset at their kids understand that they've done so much for you but you genuinely don't want your kids to go to hell is what I'm saying. No one would want. They've hurt you. So now how to deal with the situation? We'll deal with it. But right now, the last thing you want to do is kick them out of the house. And so marriage problems or family problems, breaking away is not the solution. This is not solution.