Superheroes with useless powers

Today we begin the journey of self-acceptance and understanding who we really are. think it's clear we're all fudge-ups. Well, in that case, there's nowhere to go but up, right? Well, there you go. But first things first, we got to do everyone's favorite activity and go around the room and introduce ourselves. know. I'm sorry. I'll go first. My name is George and fun fact about me is that in 2 years will be celebrating my 10th birthday. You're only 8 years old. My birthday is February 29th. leap day. date which has only occurred nine times in my lifetime. leap day. knew that. It always takes people little time to figure that one out. Okay, let's go to you next. all right. well, am Marvin. Hey, Mar. Are we not saying hello? And my power is that can sense whenever someone has the same power as me, which is what just told you. Sorry, think missed something. You didn't, actually. My power is that am able to sense other people who have the power to sense other people who have the power to sense other people who have the power, etc., etc. so you can detect like kindred spirits? No. but bet you become instant friends. No. No. Everyone with this power annoys the crap out of each other. That's too bad. So, yeah, it's like have this built-in group of people that don't like and who don't like me for no real reason. Well, thank you for sharing. Next. Okay. I'm Patrick and wasn't born with superpowers, but when was in high school, was wandering around science lab and got bit by radioactive puppy. puppy? Shortly thereafter, developed puppy powers. So, what are puppy powers? Well, it's all explained in my song. You say that like we all know what you're talking about. Puppy man. Puppy man does whatever puppy can. Puppies can't do anything. Yeah, know. But bet you're chick magnet, Well, of course. Lucky son of biscuit. Okay. But the ladies get bit less enthusiastic when they discover can only stay awake for about an hour before need 2-hour nap or that can't help but pull everything out of their purse and rip it all to shreds when they're not looking. no. Beyond that, my puppy senses start tingling whenever kibble gets poured into dish or when someone says, "Who's good boy?" Of course. Thank you for sharing. Okay. am Rudy and can perceive the presence of tubas. Tubas. Tubas. brass musical instrument. Is there another kind of tuba? How does one perceive tubas? That would be like trying to explain how you perceive light to blind person. Good point. I'm You can just feel if tuba's nearby within about 100 yards. Yeah. Right here in my appendix. So that's what that's for. That could be very useful in certain circumstances. sure. Yeah. get calls whenever tuba gets stolen or you know like marching band loses tuba. But tubas don't go missing nearly as often as you might think. What about euphoniums? Is that joke? thought it was perfectly legitimate question. Thank you. Let's hear from you next. I'm Steve. I've been to one of these meetings before, but I'm sure no one would remember me anyway. Okay. don't know. That look is just is very distinctive because my superpower is that nobody can remember me. ask that you all please keep your eyes on me while I'm talking because as soon as you look away, you will forget that ever existed. Anyway, my power used to really bum me out because felt so isolated and alienated and like didn't even exist. But then made the best decision of my life and became super villain. And now my life finally has meaning. can walk right up to cop on the street and punch him in the face. And as soon as he recovers, he's asking me if saw who hit him. That's diabolical. know. can commit all kinds of crimes in broad daylight with thousand witnesses and get away with it. can even get unlimited samples of food at those little stands at Costco and nobody stops me. Sweet. So, just wanted to come here today to get that off my chest, suppose, cuz know none of you will ever remember. Seems kind of more like bloating to me. Potato. Tomato. so I've looked away several times now in an attempt to forget you and it's not working. Say what now? Yep. Me too. Mhm. Still remember you? Yeah. yeah. was just down the hall in the bathroom for while and unfortunately still remember you. Okay. So was just joking about all that all that stuff just said. Like my real superpower is is like just making jokes and stuff. hear my mom calling me. Got to go. Well, that was interesting. It was. It was. It was. Let's hear from you next. I'm Jeremy and do not get cold stimulus headaches, also known as brain freeze. Wa, that's cool power. That's not my power. That's just fun fact about me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, you can just inhale ton of ice cream and feel totally fine. Dang. At least until get tummy ache later. True. Anyway, can shoot lasers out of my eyes. Are we talking destructive lasers like from blaster gun in Star Wars or just like laser pointer from Staples? Extremely destructive. well, feel like I've said this for everyone so far, but that's not bad power. It wouldn't be except that have such bad accuracy that literally couldn't hit the side of barn unless had my nose pressed up right against it. And if did that, then I'd end up burning my face off in the fiery blast. Well, thank you all for sharing. think you can all see we're all dealing with similar issues. Well, what about you? What's your useless power? Inquiring minds want to know. invulnerability as in you can't be physically harmed. Doesn't sound like fudge up to me. Well, allow me to clarify. My powers simply allow me to resist the attacks an ordinary criminal might use. Knives and guns and that sort of thing. so you're only bulletproof. know, right? What loser. Why are you leading the fudge up group? 15, 20 years ago, never would have imagined myself here. Back then, was making name for myself as the constable. That's literally the worst superhero name I've ever heard by far. My mother came up with it, but it's really growing on me. And personally, think it's very cool. Mhm. My problem was had no other superpowers like super strength or super speed. So, while couldn't be harmed, also couldn't subdue criminals either. So, had to team up with another superhero, specifically Panini Man. His hands were giant pieces of stale rockhard chabata. And he'd smash them together on his enemies, temporarily incapacitating them. No one died, don't worry. Ouch. We had system. I'd go in first, wear out the criminals, cracking jokes, and taunting them, dancing between the bullets as they unloaded their weapons at me. Cuz when you know you can't get killed, you have no fear. Why dance around? Couldn't you have just stood there and let them shoot you in the face? Sure, could have. But even if bullet can't kill you, like it still is metal projectile going faster than the speed of sound. It doesn't feel too good. After was done wearing out the criminals, Panini man would come in and do his signature Panini press move. And then finally, the cops would show up and take the criminals away. Wow, that's really cool. But fail to see how this story is supposed to make me find you relatable. Well, one day we were leaving bank after having squashed an armed robbery, as one does. As one does. Anyway, tripped on an uneven part of the sidewalk and broke my fall with my hands. And when got up, saw something I'd never seen before. The palms of my hands were all scraped up and bloody. looked up from my bloodied hands to Panini Man, and he said his catchphrase, "That's no good." His catchphrase was, "That's no good." It was, and it still is. That's terrible. Yeah. My mother came up with it. Terribly catchy. Yeah. Mhm. Anyway, immediately went to see the famous Dr. Archabald Apple Bomb, the world's leading superhuman doctor. he's the guy who did Captain America's gallbladder surgery. Wow, really? don't even know what gallbladder is. Yeah, had really good health insurance back then. Anyway, he ran me through battery of tests and said, "You have rare and irreversible condition called acute centilysis, sudden loss of superpowers." Maybe that's what happened to our boy Steve who thought we couldn't remember him. Who? I'm just kidding. How does something like that happen? There's no proven cause, though the risk factors are being male and excessive caffeine intake. And was drinking like two liters of coffee day. said, "Dr. Apple Bomb, how could my superpowers just disappear overnight?" And he looked at me very seriously and said, "Georgie boy, based on your blood work, don't think you've had any superpowers for the better part of year." Yikes. So, you were out there taunting criminals as they were firing live ammunition at you, wearing nothing but spandex costume. Designed and constructed by my mother, and I'm sure it was beautiful. How'd you go that long without getting turned into Swiss cheese? mean, it was mostly luck, though criminals are notoriously bad marksmen. That's true. After that, was too terrified to fight crime ever again. Though, nothing had changed in the external world. had lost my powers long before. just didn't know it till then. The change had taken place in my mind. Now, let me be clear. This isn't me trying to say that if just believe hard enough in myself that could go back out there and fight crime with Panini man. Cuz you and we have real problems and limitations that come with our powers or lack of powers. But everything else like the judgment that your powers are bad or useless or that you're fudge up, that's all up here. You and we get to choose how we think about everything. And that really is superpower. As strangers come to town, they call him Mr.