Looking Back to Move Forward Katherine Espinosa TEDxSaintLouisUniversityMadrid

2009 was 20 years old was packing bag and was running away from control from divorce from blended families was off to Madrid to start new life for myself where no one knew me and could start all over at least that's how imagined it was really junior in college transferring to new university st. Louis University here in Madrid although thought was running away from everyone else was really running away from myself but my bags were packed and flew to Madrid my time here has been packed with activities and has flown by an integral part of my new identity is that became teacher at the time started teaching because needed money and teaching opportunities were available and made sense think lot of people start jobs because of opportunities that make sense at one time or another the years go by 9 years in my case and without much thought or planning reinvented who was I'm still teacher today because here in Madrid I've always been teacher how could be anything else do you know those mornings when you wake up and it feels like there's this ton of bricks all over you you don't want to get up not because you're tired but because you absolutely hate the idea of everything you have to go and do that day do you know that feeling about year ago there was time when every morning felt this way to me so took some time to reflect not on what was making me unhappy but on what changes would make me happy want to wake up every morning and feel excited about everything have to do that day well shared this this idea with friend over coffee and she says to me yeah need vacation too and said hey no no that's not what I'm talking about what meant is everyday want to do activities that serve other people and want to enjoy the service does that still sound too much like vacation but the well-meaning advice from others continued to be gatherin you're teacher teachers are good we need teachers there are many opportunities for teaching be teacher was conflicted it's the type of decision that we all face from time to time collecting advice from those more experienced than us is always valuable but we are the ones who are responsible for our own decisions and happiness decided appreciate this advice but reserve the right to make decisions about my life want to wake up and do activities every day that enjoy and that make difference to other people and I'm gonna find way to do that last June took some time and listed out activities that brought me joy and how might be able to use them professionally my mind went almost immediately to the part of my life that had spent years trying to escape nine years earlier had come to Madrid after carefully selecting what to pack in my bag and what to leave behind my mind quickly identified an activity but it was buried in the baggage that had tried to run away from never realized that had brought with me anyway that activity for me was competitive speaking and acting did this in high school and the memory of this activity was wrapped in negativity and this negativity told me Catherine you should feel embarrassed for even thinking about this right now you should feel ashamed of yourself for missing an activity that you did when you were teenager you didn't study Performing Arts in university Kathryn and it's good thing because you never would have made it you loved speaking but neither your parents nor your teachers encouraged you to continue with it because you were never any good at it anyway be teacher last year as again listen to those voices realized for the first time yeah none of this is even true whoa loved speaking and acting and miss it and even though I'll never recreate the past I'm gonna find new ways to use these skills and I'm not ashamed of that I'm proud of that and as for my parents and for my teachers that is the most distorted depiction of their attitude toward me that have ever heard how could have spent my whole adult life believing this but that's what running away does it blames everyone else for your decisions last June made point of tossing out that old baggage because did not need it anymore revisited that memory and even gave myself permission to take it with me over the last nine months have found ways to combine speaking and acting with the new version of myself that have worked so hard to create here in Madrid and now when wake up the morning there are lot of things on my to-do list that feel excited about doing so no matter who we are or what we do or where we are in life we will be faced with inner conflict lack of direction or maybe even complete disenchantment with whatever we're doing in life and those moments are alarms telling us that we need to take the time to invest in ourselves what does that even mean it means looking back into the not-so-nice parts of our lives finding something that can serve us now and leveraging it to move forward in our current lives today to do this take these two steps the first step is to acknowledge we all have bags and things that we wear to construct our outward identity to the world but we also have this baggage that we carry around with us whether we like it or not in fact we even try to leave it places right maybe in the attic or the basement or the storage room often at our parents house there among the boxes of Christmas decorations and old school projects and childhood possessions we just try to forget it all but even as we board the plane and head off to new destinations in our lives some of those boxes and bags just find their way into the overhead compartment or just under the seat in front of us and they follow us to wherever we're going you can't run away from that baggage because it's part of you and you can't run away from yourself try to cross the ocean if you want makes no difference so step one empower yourself and acknowledge that baggage because you cannot abandon it step two is to accept except that would we feel void very often there is something from our past that can help us so picture yourself there in the closet in the storage room take down box you open it up and you have to rummage around in it first until you finally find memory that can serve you no doubt it will be encrusted in negativity mine are and it will take strength it will take courage it will take real desire for real change but if you are ready to contribute to the world in ways that only you can challenge you to silence those voices that keep you small and release those memories can serve you now this is the way to move forward acknowledge and accept so some of you might be thinking no way what are you kidding me right now do you I've spent so much time and so much effort distancing myself for my best do you have any idea the amount of energy that have invested escaping certain aspects of who once was well I'm not you but I've done it too so have an idea every time you go back to those boxes you salvage memory and you free it from its negative toom you will know yourself just little bit better you will have new tool to use in your current life and most importantly you will be more experienced and more prepared to better serve other people as for me what can say without doubt accessing my memory of speaking and acting has been the key to the next step in my life it has given me new sense of purpose motivation and direction in my life every day if it take it has given me new relationships with people both personal and professional who share my beliefs and share my values and what's more it has been the inspiration behind the launch of my business as communications coach I'm still teacher but I'm now teaching in way that have purposefully and thoughtfully chosen for myself and this is the difference so that's the example my experience what about you have you ever felt conflicted or maybe even completely fall out of love with whatever you're doing in life would you like to serve others and enjoy doing it please consider looking back to move forward picture yourself there with your boxes at your bags all around you what have you been trying to escape or forget how can remembering it inform you about the work that you are meant to do in the world acknowledge and accept to go forward